Saturday, May 03, 2008
When I was pregnant w/ my daughter (my first kid) I made a quilt. It's a bunch of strips of fabric put together in the "log cabin" pattern. When I went into labor I was working on it and I had finished everything but half of the edge. Now, seven and 1/2 years later, you can see that it is pretty tattered (that's a very small section of the quilt there). We sleep under it every night and wash it in the washing machine and treat it like what it is: a blanket to keep us warm. It's special to me but, more importantly, it serves a function.
It does remind me of the hard work of being pregnant and giving birth, though, every time I look at it.
Ever since I decided to go to nursing school I've wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse. And I just finished my labor and delivery rotation and, I have to be honest, it was my least favorite rotation. I don't know if it was because I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job or because I'm really burned out right now or because I've had such high expectations for it, but I'm leaving this rotation feeling crappy about my abilities, feeling lousy about nursing in general and just really fed up w/ being a student. I've done what I can to embrace my student-y role: I've resigned myself to being humble and admitting that I know so little, I've polished my study habits until they are gleaming and precise, I put myself out there and ask questions that no one else wants to, I've taken on a student nurse gov't position, I've made a ton of friends and on and on. But I'm so tired now. I just want to be finished and get a job as a nurse and take care of my family.
I'm not ambitious anymore. I thought: I could be a midwife or an ob/gyn nurse practitioner. Ive always had a passion for women's health issues (ever since I took female physiology and gynecology - "gin fizz" - my first time in college) and I just adore working with children and families, but I'm not going to put up a fight for it. My maternity nursing instructor just wasn't impressed by me. She said, "You're just average. You're not the 'total package'. And you want to go into this field?" She had already approved me to do a preceptorship (that's like an internship for you non-nurse-y readers) in L & D, but I've heard if she doesn't fight for you that you could still not get it when it comes time to finding a preceptor to take you in the specialty. So now I've convinced myself that I'm just an average nurse and I would have hated to have an average nurse help to deliver my kids. It was just such a pivotal moment in my life: the birth of my kids. Now I just want to switch to the regular old, average nurse med-surg preceptorship so I can stop fretting about the whole thing. I'm just so tired. And I'm really feeling sorry for myself.